Friday night brought a lot of planning and anticipation to fruition: the women's retreat. God literally started the retreat over coffee one day last year. I was talking and praying with a friend and before you knew it we were planning a conference. God quickly affirmed the tug on our hearts as His tug by backing our retreat with (unrequested) funding from our Student Development Office. Half a year later, the retreat happened. In many regards, it was different from what I envisioned-but God did exactly what He wanted to.
The following is an expert from some journaling I did over my Saturday morning devotion time. Some of the inspiration comes from a poem written by Professor Halstrom, which was based on several passages of Scripture that I love. My writing mostly comes out of the concepts from the book of Hosea.
Abba,
It's Saturday morning and you are the life giver. Life-giver, provider, Father, lover. who knew so much good could be found so perfectly combined in You? You are my Father, and I see it in your provision, so constant and trustworthy. You are my Father and I see it too in what You take away, knowing what is good for me. You are my Father--directing, guiding, and promising to always be here.
And You are my lover. Oh Lord, how long was I So uncomfortable with that image. Imagine that God would know me in such away... so intimately, on such a level. But I am the bride of Christ. What made You stop to look at me? Filthy, unfaithful, haughty--yet desperate. But You noticed me- You stopped. You saw the beauty that I could have been, had I stayed untainted, as You had made me. You chose to have compassion on a whore.
I had run from You, turned to all other lovers for comfort-finding nothing but short term pleasure that turned into long term desolation. I was so dirty. But You already knew it all- You were not fooled by the weak smile I flashed at others, or the way I tried to cover my pain by chasing after lovers like popularity, academic prestige, male attention, or worldly success and respect of my elders. Even the deceitful, tricky lover of the security that comes from being seeing as a spiritual person with the right life and a bright future- oh that left me dirty.
You saw through the guise, but you did not despise the dirty, broken, messy room that is my heart. You knew the room. You made the room- You saw its potential. You TOLD me I was dirty, even helpless. You showed me my need. You told me I only needed to admit my need, and You would save me. I said those words, "I need you" -- and you swept my heart clean. You rearranged it. You cleaned the windows, scrubbed the floor- You scrubbed until your hands bled... and so did the rest of You.
Now I am clean. The beauty You made shines forth in the room of my heart. It is arranged with your expertise, my life situations and desires arranged as You pleased. You hung new art upon its walls, giving me new passions and gifts. It sparkles with life. And You, You LOVED me-- as a lover does. You took me as Your own, for that is what I was, and You spoke tenderly to me. You forgave me my fickleness, my unfaithful past.
And, again I ran away. I ran back to other lovers. Discontent with your affection and even your perfection, and SO proud, thinking I knew best. My other loves came back and quickly tore apart what You had done; I lay in shambled, used, broken. They took what they wanted and left me, garbage. My self-esteem they took as well. "I'm worthless, ugly. I am discontent." And still I pursued every lover but You. I was ashamed--I once again forgot that only You had the remedy--that you WERE the Remedy. I was ashamed for You to know I struggle with sexual purity , that deceit is so often on my lips, You knew the secret pain I could no assuage. I hurt, but I wanted to be strong.
You told me I was wrong. But You took me back. You washed me. Again. You called me more than lover, You called me wife. You chose to love me, and You promised me forever.
Teach me to love You as my lover, my Father, my friend, my Life.
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