A Letter to My Father

Friday night brought a lot of planning and anticipation to fruition: the women's retreat. God literally started the retreat over coffee one day last year. I was talking and praying with a friend and before you knew it we were planning a conference. God quickly affirmed the tug on our hearts as His tug by backing our retreat with (unrequested) funding from our Student Development Office. Half a year later, the retreat happened. In many regards, it was different from what I envisioned-but God did exactly what He wanted to.

The following is an expert from some journaling I did over my Saturday morning devotion time. Some of the inspiration comes from a poem written by Professor Halstrom, which was based on several passages of Scripture that I love. My writing mostly comes out of the concepts from the book of Hosea.

Abba,

It's Saturday morning and you are the life giver. Life-giver, provider, Father, lover. who knew so much good could be found so perfectly combined in You? You are my Father, and I see it in your provision, so constant and trustworthy. You are my Father and I see it too in what You take away, knowing what is good for me. You are my Father--directing, guiding, and promising to always be here.

And You are my lover. Oh Lord, how long was I So uncomfortable with that image. Imagine that God would know me in such away... so intimately, on such a level. But I am the bride of Christ. What made You stop to look at me? Filthy, unfaithful, haughty--yet desperate. But You noticed me- You stopped. You saw the beauty that I could have been, had I stayed untainted, as You had made me. You chose to have compassion on a whore.

I had run from You, turned to all other lovers for comfort-finding nothing but short term pleasure that turned into long term desolation. I was so dirty. But You already knew it all- You were not fooled by the weak smile I flashed at others, or the way I tried to cover my pain by chasing after lovers like popularity, academic prestige, male attention, or worldly success and respect of my elders. Even the deceitful, tricky lover of the security that comes from being seeing as a spiritual person with the right life and a bright future- oh that left me dirty.

You saw through the guise, but you did not despise the dirty, broken, messy room that is my heart. You knew the room. You made the room- You saw its potential. You TOLD me I was dirty, even helpless. You showed me my need. You told me I only needed to admit my need, and You would save me. I said those words, "I need you" -- and you swept my heart clean. You rearranged it. You cleaned the windows, scrubbed the floor- You scrubbed until your hands bled... and so did the rest of You.

Now I am clean. The beauty You made shines forth in the room of my heart. It is arranged with your expertise, my life situations and desires arranged as You pleased. You hung new art upon its walls, giving me new passions and gifts. It sparkles with life. And You, You LOVED me-- as a lover does. You took me as Your own, for that is what I was, and You spoke tenderly to me. You forgave me my fickleness, my unfaithful past.

And, again I ran away. I ran back to other lovers. Discontent with your affection and even your perfection, and SO proud, thinking I knew best. My other loves came back and quickly tore apart what You had done; I lay in shambled, used, broken. They took what they wanted and left me, garbage. My self-esteem they took as well. "I'm worthless, ugly. I am discontent." And still I pursued every lover but You. I was ashamed--I once again forgot that only You had the remedy--that you WERE the Remedy. I was ashamed for You to know I struggle with sexual purity , that deceit is so often on my lips, You knew the secret pain I could no assuage. I hurt, but I wanted to be strong.

You told me I was wrong. But You took me back. You washed me. Again. You called me more than lover, You called me wife. You chose to love me, and You promised me forever.

Teach me to love You as my lover, my Father, my friend, my Life.

Leadership

One of my dear friends, Ben Scott, invested much of his time over the last year planning a conference on leadership for Covenant College. He was so excited to present the school with the opportunity to hear about leadership and what it looks like in "the real world." Along with other students, the Student Senate, and members of the faculty, Ben brought in a Christian leader from the political scene as well as a Christian leader from within the Christian school community.

Before the conference began, a man in our Sunday school brought up a point. Shouldn't we, he posed, call something to this effect a "Servant Conference." Leadership has such a secular connotation. Leadership is not what we're after.

I beg to differ. Romans 12:8 encourages those who have the gift of leadership to govern diligently. While being a servant is a clear part of how Jesus modeled leadership, it is still leadership.

While true Christian leadership does require the characteristics of a servant, it requires much more. It does not have to (and should not) follow secular guidelines of power and lust for personal gain. At the same time, it does require influence, not just servant hood. Perhaps our Sunday school friend was simply attempting to escape from the wrong definition the world has given to leadership by running away from the term completely. Let's not get SO caught up in avoiding the world's pit falls that we unnecessarily go to the opposite extreme. Completely staying away from the term "leadership" and going to "servant" is a mistake. The truth is, "servant leadership" is the most accurate way to describe the Bible's outlook.

While there is so much more to be said about what leadership is biblically, the real thought that sparked this post is this: Not everyone is meant to be a leader. Leadership is (as Romans 12 notes) a gift given to specific people. Even just from a logical standpoint, if we ask all people to be leaders, who will be left to be led?

Merriam-Webster describes a leader as "a person who has commanding authority or influence" and to lead as "to guide on a way especially by going in advance." Leadership usually tends to involve being in authority or at the very least influencing. (Christ was both in authority and influencing the people around him, guiding.)

One of the conference speakers (and forgive me, I forget who) noted that some people are leading in official roles (captain of the soccer team, class president, etc.) while others are leading just a few people in the context of friendships and relationships. This idea seems to be an easier way to allow for every Christian as a "leader".

To teach every person in a college about leadership is certainly advantageous. When opportunity presents itself, then they will be equipped to step up and take the lead if necessary. To present "leadership" as the ideal role for every Christian, however, is something completely different. Leadership is a gift, a gift that has changed history. However, leadership is not the gift given to every Christian.

Question of the day: What is the balance between encouraging such a wonderful gift and remembering that someone has to follow the leader?

This concludes "disorganized food for thought" (my specialty) brought to you by April Hoekstra. :)

A Lazy Saturday

It has probably been about three months since the words "lazy" and "Saturday" could go together in the same sentence. It's wonderful. I had no "to do" list when I got up this morning. Of course, I have been getting things done, but in a comfortable, relieving pace. How good is it! Even the week ahead looks to be comfortably busy.What a nice change!

One of the themes of life lately, the tidbit that the Lord has constantly been re-reminding me of is this: the Christian life is hard. There is not a magic point I reach where I completely "get it" and have no struggles. It will be a constant battle against sin. Sometimes, it's a tiring thought. I was talking with Josh early this morning, and I was struck by a thought: the harder you run a race, the more difficult it is-- but the faster it goes. I want to push hard, to run as if to win the prize.

Allow me to sidetrack from that thought for one minute. I have also, this year, really experienced a longing for heaven like never before. It is not at all that I am not loving life; I am so blessed and having so much fun. But I really just long to be face to face with my Savior. I'm homesick.

Back to the original thought. This morning, thinking about running hard verses running lazily, I wondered if I could not take the analogy of the Christian life as a race a step further. I have a feeling that heaven will come a lot "quicker" (or at least feel like it) if I run hard. I want to push myself, with the Spirit's help, to really live a life worthy. I want to fight my sin with all that is in me. I want to be courageous in my interactions with and endeavors in the world. I'm learning.

God, give me the strength to run hard.

Individual

Tonight I am struck by the individual
The individual
Composed of so many facets
A lone flower in a field of flowers,
Petals arrayed with what appears only slight difference

And yet each is a unique combination
Family, personality, tendencies, thoughts
Smile, aura, complexion, experience, dreams

The individual: unintentionally and irrevocably distinct
Original despite attempts to assimilate, to join the status quo
An integral part of what is and what has been and what will be

The individual,
Meant to thrive,
To thrive in the context of the collective
Meant to be appreciated
To be appreciated in the midst of a story that we call Time
Meant to know
The Author of Time.

He made you so beautiful, individual.

A Foggy Day

Well, the foggy days have begun! This morning was drizzling and foggy. I decided to cheer up the day with a bright-red rain coat.

Church was wonderful. In Sunday school, we talked when God commanded Abraham to sacrifice his only son. It was so cool just to revisit the story, to feel the power and intensity of it. I often forget how many parallels there are to Christ's sacrifice. It is so moving to realize the incredible love that it takes to sacrifice your only son. I am not in the most eloquent of moods, so I cannot adequately communicate the half of what I've thought about today.

The general update: life is good, God is faithful.

Blonde Moment!

I thought I would give a little laugh for you all!

So, our right sink in our apartment bathroom has always been slow to drain, but we've never bothered to get it fixed. Then yesterday, the tub starts filling up while I am in the shower. Of course, I determined it must be that the pipes in general just need unclogging. So, I submitted a work request for it to be fixed.

Later that night, Hannah yells from the bathroom and informs me that it was just that the drain pull was pulled shut.

Haha.
:)
Easy fix, hey?

I'm the Janitor

The other day we were watching a movie in one of my education classes. It was a very insightful movie about how segregation still rears its ugly head in modern day America. There were a lot of things I agreed with.

And yet, something gnawed at me the whole time. The movie talked about how it was often assumed that people of certain ethnic backgrounds would be better off working with their hands, doing jobs such as janitor work or construction or potentially a trade. Consequently, in schools those people were often put into lower track courses, and did not end up going on to "bigger" things.

While I do agree that it is atrocious that a person be academically categorized by his ethnic background instead of his intellectual capabilities, I was very sad to see the disgust displayed for jobs like being a janitor or working with your hands. Our society has slowly shifted to see a college education followed by a "good" job as the only respectable track for a person. Being a janitor, a maid, a fast food worker, a physical laborer, a factory worker - all these things are looked down on as jobs.

As Christians, should we really let ourselves get pulled into that thinking? Why should we find a job mopping floors any less respectable than a job in an accounting firm? This system of "respectability" is something that we've created. Janitors, maids, fast food workers, and the like are a vital part of our society.

Am I suggesting that we shouldn't encourage students to reach high and get the most out of their education? Of course not! What I am suggesting is that we rethink how we view different jobs. Shouldn't a Christian be able to be content flipping burgers and do that for the glory of God? Now, when we've been given gifts in another area, great, let's use them. However, let's learn a little more respect for the jobs everyone else looks down on.

A thought for the day: If you were given a new job as a janitor in a high school, could you do it without feeling ashamed? Could you do it for the rest of your life and praise GOD with your work? Maybe it's time for us to double check how much of the world's way of thinking has entered our own thought patterns.